My all over the place week

Wow! Well this week has been a whirlwind of a time! I’ve been happy, I’ve been sad, I’ve been angry and right now I’m ready for a fresh new start for next week.

1.) finally got placement t-shirts which I’ve been waiting for months for and find that they don’t fit me.
2.) Jessie J announced a tour for next year

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3.) didn’t get the tickets to see Jessie (worst moment of my life) I was heartbroken.
4.) on the same day of the heartbreaking news I also realised I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the boyfriend I have.

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5.) I know I have good days and I have bad days, but life isn’t bad. Just because I think my mental illness has gone doesn’t mean it’s going to stop right away. This picture relates to me so much.

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6.) I have the best friends I could ever ask for.

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7.) life isn’t perfect but who needs perfection?
8.) my nails are growing so long now! So so so happy with how they look. (P.s my nails have grown even longer,this piccy was taken over a week ago)

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9.) I can tell I’m growing up because I’ve asked for new bedding for Christmas…
10.) I’m finally realising that I should love my life because I have amazing people in it and I should be happy within my self because I know I am a good person, I know I have a mental illness but that shouldn’t stop me from believing that I am beautiful. I am working on self-belief and being more confident.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my lil week.
If you want to talk about how I’m being more positive with life or you want to just simply talk and have a gossip, email me. chloebeard1998@gmail.com
Please give feedback or ask anything that you want to get off your chest, I will happily answer them all.

See you soon.
Chloe x

I’m letting you read my diary

I was never one to write down my thoughts and feelings, simply because I never believed it accomplished anything for me. But now I’ve realised that talking to yourself and writing things down is a good way to open up to yourself, I do have a diary in my top draw next to my bed which I have wrote my thoughts and feelings down but for some reason I stopped writing in there?

When I was twelve or thirteen I would have so many diaries that I would start to write in but never stuck with. To tell you the truth I always lost the keys to them (haha), but I did write down my thoughts and feelings of what was going on in my life and at such a young age my thoughts and feelings weren’t the happiest… Mind you at thirteen was the age I started pulling out my eyelashes so it wasn’t exactly the happiest year of my life.

Sometimes I get flashbacks (like in a film) of when I first pulled out my eyelashes, I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was night time and I was in bed and I was feeling my eyelashes and I got the urge to pull on them which I did and then you know the next minute I was at my desk with the lamp on and a mirror right in front of me with scissors in one hand and half cut eyelashes on one eye and literally none on the other. That’s when it all started, it’s scary really how a thirteen year old girl could harm herself like that and feel nothing, it was as if I was numb in a way like I was oblivious to what I had just done. I remember the following morning and I wouldn’t make any eye contact with anyone because I was too scared of what my mum and dad would say or do, I felt my heart going 100 miles an hour it was horrible. And every morning after that night has been the same, I would wake up and dread going downstairs incase anybody saw me, I would literally wait for hours in bed to calm myself down.
I didn’t think that “i could have blinded myself”

School wasn’t easy as I struggled academically but mainly mentally,coming to terms that I was the only girl in the class with no eyelashes was hard. I would call myself a ‘freak’ ‘weirdo’ because I would always imagine myself being somebody else and looking at me and thinking ‘what a freak, she has no eyelashes’ I’ve always thought that even to this day.

My appearance is no different from any other teenage girl really, I wear foundation and blusher and bronzer and pencil eyeliner and liquid eyeliner but you would never see me with my hair tied back which is like why not? Well all of my friends go out with their hair tied back and I realised that you can see their eyes from all angles, you can see their eyelashes from all angles. So I decided I’m never tying my hair up ever, simply because I don’t want people seeing that I have no eyelashes. It’s strange I know but nobody says anything about me not tying my hair up, if anything they compliment my hair haha I curl it literally every single day and I have to say I love my hair. The picture is at the end of this post, I have no idea what I’m doing on here so everything is all over the place oh dear god. Apologies!

It’s hard to let go of something you’ve had in your life for so long, I’ve lived with it for so long it’s just become apart of me. You can’t just let go, it takes time, and time I have, I’m only sixteen I have my whole life ahead of me, I’m not letting trichotanilmainia take over my life. I want to walk out of my house with no makeup on and my hair tied back and to meet up with my friends and talk forever like there’s no tomorrow. That’s my aim… That’s my goal.

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The girl next to me is Hollie, she is one of my best friends. She has been there for me when I was at my lowest, she’s my rock. Hollie is currently recovering from anorexia, she is one AMAZING girl.
I will most probably do another post very soon on her because she has changed my life literally. If you want to see more of her follow her on here!!! Hollie is the one who told me about this blogging so I have a lot of thanking to do! 😉 oh her URL is hollijess.wordpress.com FOLLOW HER

Well that’s it for today, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did typing it 😉
Any questions or feedback would be very welcome.
I am slowly getting there with this blogging, if you look at Hollie’s you will see who the expert is ;).

See you soon
Chloe x

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Hi I’m Chloe but just call me BEARDY

I won’t cram my whole life into this first post because it will be very boring for you to read so I will try and keep it as simple as possible.

I’m very new to this blogging stuff so please give me time I do apologise. So as you’ve probably gathered from the title above my name is Chloe but people call me ‘beardy’ ‘beards’ or just ‘beard’ simply because my surname is unfortunately Beard 😦 but when I get married (in the future) I can change my surname :). I’m just a ‘normal’ sixteen year old teenage who likes to listen to music (specifically Jessie J) and dream about mad things.

Six years a go I developed a mental illness called trichotanilmainia and I bet you’re all like ‘what is that?’. Well it’s basically a condition where you get the urge to pull out your hair due to stress or depression and many other reasons. I pull out my eyelashes and it’s not at all nice.
It started in primary school when I was in year five and at first I cut my eyelashes for no reason whatsoever and a year later I started to pull on them because I was told by a friend of mine, that ‘if you pull on them it makes them longer’ which I did so. I did have really long eyelashes and well now I have very few.

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This condition has changed my life and not for the good. I have no confidence, I struggle to talk to people up close because I feel like they can see that I have no eyelashes. It’s just the little things you just don’t realise such as staying over at a friends as the next day you wake up with no makeup, so I would have to get up early to make sure I had eyeliner on to cover up my baldness. I don’t go swimming anymore because water washes off my eyemakeup, it’s silly the things I restrict myself from but I’ve put myself into that position.

These past few months of me starting college I have been able to grow my nails (which is a big achievement for me) and I’m slowly growing my eyelashes which I am very proud of. I have the right people in my life right now and I feel like everything is going uphill for me and I hope I can reach the top of what is a very tall hill.

I wanted to do this blog because I want to raise awareness of this mental illness because I don’t feel like it’s getting noticed enough as it should. This is my first time actually talking about this and posting on to a website so this is a very big deal for me.

Well I hope you enjoyed my first post, i realise it’s all over the place but I am new to all this so give me time to improve ;).

Please comment if you have any questions or feedback I would really appreciate it 🙂
Beardy (Chloe)