I was never one to write down my thoughts and feelings, simply because I never believed it accomplished anything for me. But now I’ve realised that talking to yourself and writing things down is a good way to open up to yourself, I do have a diary in my top draw next to my bed which I have wrote my thoughts and feelings down but for some reason I stopped writing in there?
When I was twelve or thirteen I would have so many diaries that I would start to write in but never stuck with. To tell you the truth I always lost the keys to them (haha), but I did write down my thoughts and feelings of what was going on in my life and at such a young age my thoughts and feelings weren’t the happiest… Mind you at thirteen was the age I started pulling out my eyelashes so it wasn’t exactly the happiest year of my life.
Sometimes I get flashbacks (like in a film) of when I first pulled out my eyelashes, I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was night time and I was in bed and I was feeling my eyelashes and I got the urge to pull on them which I did and then you know the next minute I was at my desk with the lamp on and a mirror right in front of me with scissors in one hand and half cut eyelashes on one eye and literally none on the other. That’s when it all started, it’s scary really how a thirteen year old girl could harm herself like that and feel nothing, it was as if I was numb in a way like I was oblivious to what I had just done. I remember the following morning and I wouldn’t make any eye contact with anyone because I was too scared of what my mum and dad would say or do, I felt my heart going 100 miles an hour it was horrible. And every morning after that night has been the same, I would wake up and dread going downstairs incase anybody saw me, I would literally wait for hours in bed to calm myself down.
I didn’t think that “i could have blinded myself”
School wasn’t easy as I struggled academically but mainly mentally,coming to terms that I was the only girl in the class with no eyelashes was hard. I would call myself a ‘freak’ ‘weirdo’ because I would always imagine myself being somebody else and looking at me and thinking ‘what a freak, she has no eyelashes’ I’ve always thought that even to this day.
My appearance is no different from any other teenage girl really, I wear foundation and blusher and bronzer and pencil eyeliner and liquid eyeliner but you would never see me with my hair tied back which is like why not? Well all of my friends go out with their hair tied back and I realised that you can see their eyes from all angles, you can see their eyelashes from all angles. So I decided I’m never tying my hair up ever, simply because I don’t want people seeing that I have no eyelashes. It’s strange I know but nobody says anything about me not tying my hair up, if anything they compliment my hair haha I curl it literally every single day and I have to say I love my hair. The picture is at the end of this post, I have no idea what I’m doing on here so everything is all over the place oh dear god. Apologies!
It’s hard to let go of something you’ve had in your life for so long, I’ve lived with it for so long it’s just become apart of me. You can’t just let go, it takes time, and time I have, I’m only sixteen I have my whole life ahead of me, I’m not letting trichotanilmainia take over my life. I want to walk out of my house with no makeup on and my hair tied back and to meet up with my friends and talk forever like there’s no tomorrow. That’s my aim… That’s my goal.
The girl next to me is Hollie, she is one of my best friends. She has been there for me when I was at my lowest, she’s my rock. Hollie is currently recovering from anorexia, she is one AMAZING girl.
I will most probably do another post very soon on her because she has changed my life literally. If you want to see more of her follow her on here!!! Hollie is the one who told me about this blogging so I have a lot of thanking to do! 😉 oh her URL is hollijess.wordpress.com FOLLOW HER
Well that’s it for today, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did typing it 😉
Any questions or feedback would be very welcome.
I am slowly getting there with this blogging, if you look at Hollie’s you will see who the expert is ;).
See you soon